Matters of the long-lost heart
How do you say no?- extract from Passion and Purity, Elizabeth Eliot at 185-186
"At a singles conference in the Northwest last month I was handed a blue slip of paper that said, 'How do you tell a guy/girl no? How do you keep a safe distance? I smiled inside, thinking of how simple the answer is. You can do it in 2 ways: the English language and body language. You say no, and you move away.
I'm always having to explain to people that when I say there is a simple answer I do not necessarily mean there is an easy answer. It's easy enough to understand- in other words, it's simple. But doing it is just plain hard. There is always that fundamental conflict going on: the good I want to do fighting the evil I don't want to do and the desire that seems to be so good in itself versus the deeper desire to love my Master above all others.
You have to ask for help. Held will most certainly be given...
Does that mean that my motives must be absolutely pure then? Does it mean I have to have finally resolved those conflicts mentioned above? If it did, I'd have no testimony to give. It ought to be quite plain in these pages that the conflict continued to rage. But the wills of two people had been offered to God. The love of their hearts had been committed. He helped us. He carried us through."
I've never been a fan of love, always shunning it, mocking it, belittling it, but in the words of someone in the movie Hitch, perhaps I have been a "realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist." Besides, as my friend tried to convince me, isn't it the pinnacle of all human relationships? From a biblical perspective, isn't the woman-man relationship that which is supposed to mirror the relationship of Christ with the church?
Pah, I'd reply. A relationship that has been so tainted by the sin of mankind just reeks of pain, betrayal, selfishness. Its only fruit would be bitter, and leave some damaged children with its trail of destruction.
Why so serious? Ha, ha. Also, why so cynical, I ask myself? Maybe I've seen too many bad examples. Maybe I'm just a coward. Or maybe, just maybe, this isn't for me... yet.
Most of us in our 20s would acknowledge that love and relationships are at the foremost of our mind, as we desire companionship at this age, and in the words of my friend, I better hurry up get attached or my shelf life will expire. I realize that this is very true in the eyes of world- a woman post 30 years has less of a market value, especially an aggressive, career-obsessed, averse-to-domestic-work woman. Society views marriage as one of the necessary stages of engaging in a full human experience. Hence the pressure. And as I see my friends around me get attached one by one, I realize how real the pressure is, and how real the pangs of loneliness get...
But must I crave and pursue the object of human love just because I'm biologically made for this, NOW?
Don't get me wrong. I think love is a good thing, I really do, apart from my reservations above. But I think that I shouldn't be made to feel that I am inferior just because I'm not attached to somebody, at 22 years of age.
It's always been a controversial topic, the 'gift' of singleness. I believe both singlehood and marriage are gifts, and both are perfect gifts for the designated receipients at designated times, from the unchanging Father of lights up above.
I was just looking at my friend who has a newfound 'love' one day, and a little thought of covetousness popped into my mind- "How nice it would be to be in her position, have someone to love and to show love to."
Then another thought came in unexpectedly, "Jean, do you honestly think that you are worse off compared to her?"
I choose to believe it was the Spirit's prompting, as the thought directed me to my Quiet Time that morning, how, in Psalm 103 verse 17, I am blessed with a love of the Lord "from everlasting to everlasting". I can't even begin to quantify that. But I beamed inwardly. It was my flesh, my old man, trying to tell me that I NEEDED someone beside me. I NEEDED some to show me love, I NEEDED to get attached before I start work next year, I NEEDED all these things, and then, only then, would I be happier and more fulfilled.
What a lie! I am complete in Christ, and there is none that I desire besides Him (Psalms 73:25). Why should I succumb to this self-pitying, this idolatory? And so, at my emotionally vulnerable points, I want to combat the devil with this-
Get thee behind me, Satan. You wily, scheming devil, how dare you try to take me away from my Lord with enticing me with these soft things. Love is a gift from God, relationships are gifts from God, but so is singleness. Covetousness won't work on me, Satan, as long as God reminds me that I am His, and He is mine. I don't know what the future is, Satan, BUT I KNOW GOD HOLDS ME IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND and that YOU are defeated. I'm going to ask God to banish these Satanic thoughts and arm myself with scripture to ward them from my mind. You watch out!
So, with this, I end this post, reminding myself that there are some points in my life that I just have to say no. Say no to my own heart, say no to someone, say no to Satan. But I'll wrap my arms around my God and rest in His tender care and He'll show me the depths of love that I'll never reach in a human embrace.
On a night like this
Soft, the candlelit nights
Wrestling with my longings-
Heart, can you stop awhile
And listen to His faint calls?
He's telling you to turn off the radio
With its deceiving dreams
And run from the movies
With its portrait of unreal scenes.
But He's whispering to you
To open the Holy book
To let it sink, sink deep
It can only take a few looks.
It's the picture of perfect delight
Perfect ectstasy, perfect fulfillment.
If I obey and He abides in me,
He will manifest Himself clear.
And He will be dear,
He will ever be near,
He will cast away all fear,
He will bring good cheer.
Gone is the gloom,
The half-hearted vows,
The here-and-now, for
I HAVE MY GOD,
my Life
and my Love.
Love,
His servant and child,
Jean
Friday, August 15, 2008
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Why?
"Tell me, Father, why is there so much pain and darkness in my soul? Sometimes I find myself saying 'I can't bear it any longer' with the same breath I say 'I am sorry, do with me what you wish.'
As she struggled to continue surrendering to the pervading darkness within her, she had to repeatedly affirm her resolve to move along the way He was tracing for her. Thus the battle continued between the temptation to refuse and the determination to accept. A few weeks later mother Teresa wrote again, 'Pray for me- that I may not refuse God.- It comes to the breaking point & then it does not break.- I wish I could tell or write what I long to tell- but I find no words.'
While immersed in darkness, unable to understand why, tempted to refuse, and under the impression that she could not adequately express what she was going through, mother Teresa made one more strong affirmation of her faith and blind obedience to the will of God."
- Come be my light, mother teresa, edited and with commentary by Brian Kolodiejchuk, MC at 189-190.
Coming face to face with one of the greatest struggles I've had in my inner life, I came across this passage in Come be my light, mother teresa's biography. She had been tormented by an unknown 'darkness', and seemed to be struggling in a tussle between confusion of beliefs and heightened depths of pain, but surrendering, emptying herself for Jesus even more. It is the courage of saints as these that spur me forward, and make me look towards the heavens above more than ever before.
I journalled- Can I do this, Lord? Will you help me to break free? It's too long that I've been living in the bondage of a lot of things- emotions, past hurts, conflicts, insecurities, people themselves. Have caused a lot of people around me to shower me with concern, only to find them not able to understand, not able to empathize, and sometimes shooting me even whilst I'm still wounded. But I appreciate their efforts to reach out in love- many people have been God-sends. (For the record, as many have offered listening ears, prayer, care and wise counsel, many have also wounded, driven to despair, and given hope-dampening discouragements.)
Very often, I'm driven to the point that I ask internally- Must I prove to you that I am worthy of your caring? No, I'm not going to try to. Only God knows truly and only God can help me, though He may use means like the counsel of men and women. But mainly, this purification and union with Him is my journey alone for now. How He brought me to the desert to show me who He is. It's a different walk for each of us, so please do not judge me unlovingly. I'm trying to move forward, I really am- and I will not wallow, by His strength alone.
Look to Jesus, Jean- see only Him, breathe only Him, live only for Him.
"To you I lift up my eyes, O you who are enthroned in the heavens! Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their master, as the eyes of a maidservant to the hand of her mistress, so our eyes look to the Lord our God, till He has mercy upon us."- Psalm 123:1-2
---------------------------------------------
If any of you be in some kind of heaviness, here are some practical ways - adapted from Why do Christians shoot their wounded? by Dwight L. Carlson.
1. Prayer, Obedience and Personal responsibility
- Sin needs to be confessed and forsaken (1 Jn 1:9)
- Learning to apply Scripture to your daily life
2. Have faith in the sufficiency in Christ
3. Seek a caring body of believers
"What's the difference between people and lobsters? Human beings are soft and warm on the outside with a hard skeleton on the inside; lobsters are soft and vulnerable inside but wear a hard shell on the outside. The church needs to be more like people: the skeleton of solid beliefs on the inside, but warm and huggable on the outside. Who needs a church like a lobster0 hard and sharp- even if it is doctrinally 'right'? The crustacean may be safe inside its armor, but no one wants to hug a lobster!"- at 139.
4. Be willing to seek professional help
(If you suspect a biological problem exists)
5. Try to inculcate hope by looking at examples of people who have been healed!
6. Understand the shepherd's tender love for you - Jeremiah 31:3
7. Be encouraged that God will use you for good through your experiences
With that, I close this entry with an extract from a book that has recently warmed my soul and egged me on; hope it does the same for you-
"Our voyage is marked by varied weather. In the midst of dark and threatening clouds, comes a sudden rift- an instant of brilliant sunshine- but we tend not to notice God's smile in those warm moments because we are so busy bailing water out of our boats.
Waves, I am discovering, are part of the journey. We can expect them, identify them, learn how to live with them, and let God use them to teach us. God promises, ' When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up- the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, your Savior' (Isaiah 43:2-3). God says 'through the waters' which means there is the other side. We go through and come out, God is in the business of calming storms, queiting winds, and bringing peace.
As I struggled with both the major turbulences and the minor furors, Christ spoke to my heart from Mark 4 as clearly as he had spoken aloud to those fishermen. 2 truths like giant sea anchors descended to steady my boat. First Christ said, 'Why are you afraid? Don't you know I have the power to calm the storms?' Then he said clearly and powerfully, 'You are safe with me, anywhere, in every circumstance. My child, you are just as safe in the turbulences before I speak 'Peace' to the waves as you are afterwards because I am with you in the boat.'
God takes us through just the right combination of waves, storms, and sunshine for each individual to learn about him. He teaches us through our delights and deliverances as well as through our tears and tempests.
I don't have to live in fear of the storms, whether a tidal wave threatens or many smaller waves are constantly rocking my boat. Christ is in control of everything- all the circumstances in my life- and he is also the captain of my boat."- Lord of my rocking boat, Carole Mayhall, at pages 10-11.
(:
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
Praying for time
These are the days of the open hand
They will not be the last
Look around now
These are the days of the beggars and the choosers
This is the year of the hungry man
Whose place is in the past
Hand in hand with ignorance and legitimate excuses
The rich declare themselves poor
And most of us are not sure
If we have too much but we’ll take our chances
‘Cause God stopped keeping score
I guess somewhere along the way
He must have let us all out to play
And turned his back
And all God’s children
Crept out the back door
And its hard to love
Theres so much to hate
Hanging onto hope
When there is no hope to speak of
And the wounded skies above
Say its much too late
Oh maybe we should all be praying for time
This is the year of the empty hand
Oh you hold onto what you can
And charity is a coat you wear twice a year
These are the days of the guilty man
The television takes a stand
And you find that what was over there
Is over here
So you scream from behind your door
Say whats mine is mine and not yours
I may have too much
But I’ll take my chances cause God stopped keeping score
And you’ll cling to the things they sold you
Did you cover your eyes when they told you
That he cant come back
‘Cause he has no children to come back for
And its hard to love when theres so much to hate
And hanging onto hope
When there is no hope to speak of
And the wounded skies above
Say its much, much too late
Mm, well maybe we should all be praying for time
- [originally performed by George Michael]
This summer holidays have been officially the most tiring holidays ever! What irony! I wish to go back to school to resume some semblance of normalcy in my life. But the most rewarding part of this holiday is catching up with people I love and interacting with new friends.
The first time I heard Praying for Time was when it was performed by Carrie Underwood on the "Idol Gives back" episode of American Idol Season 7. I was struck by the profundity of the statements made.
So you scream from behind your door
Say whats mine is mine and not yours
I may have too much
But I’ll take my chances cause God stopped keeping score
Has He, really? Has God stopped keeping score? If there was one thing burdening me this week, it was the rapid moral decline of society in the form of a widespread acquiescence that premarital sex is acceptable. I see a picture of a world that portrays sex as something “dirty” when it is supposed to be sacred. Even if you disagree with the religious standpoint you can agree with me from a moral standpoint. Promiscuity without batting an eyelid is unnatural. Sex as one of the ultimate expressions of a love shared with another should not be desecrated with the prevalence of multiple partners just doing it “for fun”. It’s not just fun, it has real consequences. A life-giving consequence, for instance is when an embryo is formed from a one-night stand, making sex no longer relegated to just the arena of fun.
As for the culture that contributes to this general acquiescence- I think that sex has just become a commodity, which greatly decreases its genuine intangible value- which is that of a reflection of the intimacy in an exclusive (and in Christianity’s view-legitimate) relationship. Therefore one can easily treat sex callously and use it as a clever marketing strategy. In Singapore- Orchard road is plastered with lingerie advertisements. Every where I turn, there is cleavage in my face. This is not art, but lewdness. And why do we need to objectify the women's body like that? Our TV and movie diets feature couples frolicking in bed very often and NOT being in a marital relationship (as this makes for good plots) and having fashionable "nights of passion". As much as we now champion some form of curtailed liberalism in a secular nation, sometimes I wish we’d actually examine the knock-on effects of promoting this kind of morality. Does it destroy the family unit? Can’t economic prosperity go hand in hand with retaining some family-centric values?
Necklines are getting lower and hemlines are getting shorter. I don’t understand. Am I a prude? A self-righteous puritan who feels that there is something wrong? Or was there, somewhere in our distant past, a definition and appreciation of modesty that was lost?
--------------
These depressive and angry notions aside, I met the most tender and beautiful hearts last week at the Turning Point, a Christian rehabilitation centre beside Sembawang prison. Here I came face to face with inmates whose lives had changed because of Jesus. One woman, M, was a substance abuser who revealed her rebellious and criminal past to us, but was now a radiant reflection of God’s joy! It was all in the way she talked; I never saw such humility for a long time- she was one that knew she needed Jesus, but yet, was content to rest and simply be glad that she was saved. That’s true humility, I think- when you come to the end of yourself.
Another lady, T, shared of how God lifted her out of depression caused by her gambler husband. Auntie K’s tragic story gave me the most hope. She told of how her son committed suicide because of her- she was in and out of prison 9 times and her son threatened to commit that fateful act right before she went in the 9th time. The guilt and sorrow got to her and she sunk into depression, unable to accept her son’s death. But now, she’s grateful that she found Jesus (her son introduced Christianity to her) and she’s ever thankful that her daughter-in-law has forgiven her and is still taking care of her.
The visit warmed my heart tremendously. These were inspiring women who offered us so much love and openness, and even warned the teens who were with us not to go down the same destructive path by starting with cigarette addictions. I realized that each woman had her own story to share. The circumstances behind their substance abuse were very often tragic and out of their control, but there were points in time where they could have made better choices.
But well, who is to judge? I met a 16-year-old girl there who had lost her mother when she was 9, and turned to glue sniffing, alcohol, then drugs, and whose father was a secret society member who could not care less about her. I saw the sadness in her eyes whenever she mentioned her father.
All in all, I saw humanity at one of its rawest and realized that we were One in Christ as believers. We were one and the same, all sinners, all people who had made mistakes, succumbed to addictions and pressures, but it's just that the mistakes that these people made attracted legal consequences. These women inspired me with the honesty and courage in the way they faced their past- it was a no holds barred confession that they had done wrong. The beauty of it is that they did not lapse into sorry states of self-despair and self-pity.
On the bus back, one of the teens shared spontaneously, “I used to have a different view of people at rehabilitation centres. But now I think they have more meaning and purpose in life than we do.”
“And what meaning may that be?”
“To live out the rest of their life well…”
The fondest moment I will remember this holiday was when I was offered smiles freely the first time I stepped into the Turning Point. They were beautiful “I-want–to-open-my-heart-to-you, I-want-to-share-the-love-I-have-with-you” smiles… the ones that make you smile back without a thought and thank God that there’s still hope left in the world. On this note, I would disagree that there is “no hope to speak of”. God cradles His children in a firm and loving embrace, though He may spank our bottoms from time to time for doing wrong. (:
“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature. Old things are passed away, behold, all things are become new.”- 2 Cor 5:17
<<全新的你>>
你說陰天代表你的心情
雨天更是你對生命的反應
你說每天生活一樣平靜
對於未來沒有一點信心
親愛朋友 你是否曾經
曾經觀看滿天星星
期望有人能夠了解你心
能夠愛你賜你力量更新
耶穌能夠叫你一切都更新
耶穌能夠體會你的心情
耶穌能夠改變你的曾經
耶穌愛你 耶穌疼你
耶穌能造一個全新的你
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Feeble cries, shivering hands
Trapped, but still hanging on, body between debris. Little oxygen, licking dew and crying tears - of pain, hunger, cold, fear, despair. They fight for their life, or what's left of it.
Of the 200 000 buildings destroyed by the quake in China, 7000 were supposedly schools due to shoddy workmanship. People have pointed fingers and foreigners have started dialogues, which have brought us away from addressing the central question of why these calamities have happened.
Some of the friends around me have grown numb. They refuse to read the papers because it has become too "depressing". Some, like my friend's father, have blasphemed against God- "How could this god of yours let this happen?"
Others have brushed it off as just another one of those disasters that happen every year, and we're so far removed anyway. In Singapore, we read about it in the comfort of our living rooms, at afternoon tea or before work.
But I've come to realize that I've got to stop living like this over here. I wanna keep my heart open but not be unrealistically consumed over what is happening. Take action over my feelings. Not let myopia or a sheltered life prevent me from trying to dig deep in this tragedy. So I read the papers but I still feel quite helpless. Then I feel stupid because everyone around me doesn't seem to be as affected. I read blogs, talk to others. Only one of my Christian friends commented in all solemnity... "I wonder why the One upstairs allowed this..."
I chided one of my bright friends for not knowing where the epicentre of the China quake was just because she was too busy with work. Told her that sometimes reading newspapers was more important than reading schoolbooks.
But as I write, I'm comforted by the email from NUSSU NEWS that popped up, appealing for donations for the twin tragedy victims.
It's definitely not a crime to carry on enjoying and living life the way it was before news such as this hit. But it is offensive to me if one can casually brush this off as "just another one of those disasters that happen every year" or as "evidence of the end times". Expressing this is equivalent to saying that "all those lives which were lost don't matter to me". Well, wake up, I would say. Wake up to the fact that we share in a common humanity across the globe. How can we sit by and not help a fellow human in need? Especially humans in tremendous physical, emotional and possibly, spiritual need? The sheer magnitude of the situation cries out for our attention. I don't care if you think this is God's judgment, or that man had a part to play in this when they started destroying the earth. What we need to do is stay awake and in tune with some of the little we can do- this is divine love manifest- caring for a stranger in need.
I'm encouraged by the many who have contributed generously out of their own pockets, hearts touched with compassion over what has happened. But I weep also because there are so many hard hearts, already stony and cynical from the world, with no perception of sharing in a common humanity. These people have a diminished human experience with their hearts of stone. I think I cry harder for the greater tragedy I've experienced on these shores, the individuals that don't give a thought to the 150 000 have died in the past few weeks. That has made me sorrowful; that I live in a callous nation, or perhaps, not to generalize, a callous circle.
Maybe I've felt too much. Maybe I've judged too much. But I hope whoever's reading won't fault me on my strong opinions in this entry... Please, just help in any way you can- follow the link below.
Where/how to help-
http://www.redcross.org.sg/images/120508_ST_P8_Where%20to%20give%20help.pdf
(Prayers help too. (: )
Some heroism and strength for the journey...
"Premier Wen Jiabao swapped his normal dark suit for an all-weather jacket and bullhorn, arriving in Sichuan province just hours after it was rattled by the 7.9 magnitude temblor.
State media reported that he crouched amid the rubble of an elementary school and shouted to a trapped student: 'This is Grandpa Wen Jiabao, hang on child, we will rescue you!'
His apparently tireless efforts — supervising orange-jacketed rescue workers, visiting with bereaved parents and overwhelmed medics — have won wide praise from Chinese, who see him as the 'people's premier.'
'The central government hasn't forgotten about this place. We will rescue those who are injured. If the roads are blocked, we'll use airplanes to lift them out,' he announced to weary survivors in the epicenter of Wenchuan, his voice strained after days of similar visits broadcast continuously on state television." - http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=90551351
Monday, May 12, 2008
Intellectual merry-go-round and a dose of faith
I bumped into some foreign students who were on campus for the first time today and showed them the way to Block B. When we reached Block B, they pointed to their timetables and said, "No! It says here Block A!" I kindly informed them that Block A did not exist and spotted that the legend on the timetable referred to the venue of the class as Block B, too. Inconsistency. But they stared at me half-mockingly and kept repeating, "Block A! It's block A, not block B!" thinking that I didn't understand. Then they trotted away with some friends they met thinking that there was another way, and lo and behold, we met each other IN BLOCK B in front of the Seminar rooms and they refused to meet my gaze after that.
Well that's the problem when you have Block B without having a Block A on your campus. Hur. But besides that, the entire theme of my day centered around faith- the evidence of things not seen. I questioned why those 2 girls chose not to believe me, a student on campus for 2 WHOLE YEARS, and chose to follow their faulty printed timetable and the way of their exchange friends who were just as clueless (if not more) than they were.
Well, I figured, they didn't know me personally to attest to my credibility, and who would believe a girl who looks like a blur fresh out of JC grad to find their way around? They had tangible evidence of where to go in their hands, or so they thought.
Why do we believe in scientific formulas and rationality, logic and economic theories so easily? Why do we doubt personal experience, faith, and the validity of an instinctive feeling and common morality?
It boils down to the seen and the unseen. When I was younger, I adored the book The Little Prince. I scribbled this quote on the pages of my textbooks- What is essential is invisible. And it struck a deep chord in me. That should be the way. Something inside of me told me that should be the way.
The 3-hour long conversation with a friend and an acquaintance today sparked new viewpoints and reinforced some convictions. Everything I posited had to be backed up by evidence. "If creation could be scientifically proven to over a certain credibility threshold (don't ask me what that is), I would believe that there is a god." I know my faith is a logical, factual, faith, backed up historically, but somehow the words couldn't flow. I hadn't enough knowledge to stand up to his probing analysis and he said that it was getting "fuzzier and fuzzier".
Certainly challenged me quite a bit to read up, to gird up my loins with strength for the next dialogue of any kind, of which I know is coming soon. But I took this home today: We want something that can be proven with charts, empirical evidence, lab tests, surveys and experiments. God is not an idiot. He has the ability to make the whole of the human race believe in Him in an instant. Why doesn't He? Maybe because even when He does show Himself, hardened hearts will reject Him for another reason other than unbelief.
The Israelites disobeyed even after seeing His wonders and His hand upon them. We want something we can see, touch, smell and taste, but even when we have that in front of our eyes, displayed, we can push it away in a hissy fit. It's His prerogative not to become just a "concept" that can be scientifically proven. He's greater than the confines of a human construct.
Even when Jesus walked the earth, His own hometown rejected Him. Some had doubts. Some thought He was the prophet Elijah. Did they believe Him when He claimed He was the Son of God? Some did. I remember Mary Magdalene's devotion, and how the Lord always stresses faith. O ye of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? He said to the disciples quivering in the storm-wracked boat. Faith as small as a mustard seed could uproot trees and throw them into the sea; faith could move mountains. Faith in the unseen is exalted, for the unseen things are the eternal things. Faith emphasizes that there is something better than this present circumstance- faith is the essence of believing in an unseen God and becoming a Christian. Faith reminds me that God exists over and above my sense of sight. It makes Him all the more precious to the world... when He can't be contained by any of our physical limitations.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
There is something bigger
Than myself, than the world. It's the first time I've seen this more clearly than before.
As I traipsed down Orchard Road, I saw the souls. So many of them. Different garb, different speak, personalities, positions. And You know all of them intimately. You know their worries and their fears, their loved ones, their desires. Whether or not they are in Your fold. I finally caught a glimpse of what the whole of mankind means to You, Lord. When you offer invitations into Your kingdom, You aim it at the whole of mankind. "Whosoevers", "all"- the magnitude of that offer is incomprehensible to me.
It must break Your heart to see them falling away, abusing You in their hearts and through their lives. You, who desire that none should perish. You stand at the door and knock, and wait to enter in. But who responses?
You wait.
You who exists out of our concept of time, but are the author of time itself- the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end. I wonder why You care about what I'm going to have for my next meal, or how I'm going to do in my third-year uni exams. You shouldn't really. But You do.
That is the greatest mystery to me, Lord. Why You care. Why I am so precious to You, the apple of Your eye and all that. And how You actually care about all those people that I saw, and never got to see. It's a wonderful realization, that my God is not only GREAT, but also a personal God. I once shared this to others in a devotion, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names (Psalm 147:3-4)"... the contrast in these 2 verses are stark. The intensely human, private pain of a number, against the backdrop of the uncountable stars in the sky. Why should You care?
But You do. You really do. You gave up something extremely precious, your Son, to save all of us. In the words of my friend- we're rotten and keep making mistakes, but You made us princesses and princes to reign through You. Why? I shall care less about the why but thank You forever and always. Lord, save them...